Who Cares About the Alphabet?

Week Three of Radiation 

After this week, 4 more to go!  My skin is still doing well, my breast seems to get a little more tender all the time though.  At least part of the reason I think is the close proximity to my port.  They do not work "in concert," rather, they seem to antagonize each other.

The oncology doc having changed my blood pressure medication was a huge disaster, after 3 days I went into a hypertensive crisis.  Sheesh.  I will say the radiation oncologist admitted this was not an oncologist's bailiwick (my word, not his) and I didn't need to talk to my regular oncologist who played with my meds... but rather, I needed to go directly to my PCP, which I did, the same day.  I have a medical background but strangely enough when she was explaining things to me I couldn't  wrap my brain around it, and under normal circumstances I would have.  I guess I looked pretty blank.  Do you understand?  She asks.  No.  She explained it again.  Sorry, I can't get it, I really can't.  She is well aware of my "chemo brain."  Moving along... It  seems the faintness/loss of balance the oncologist thought was due to orthostatic hypotension is actually due to a touch of vertigo.  Next stop will be an ENT doc.  Though, I'm actually in no hurry, it isn't like they can do anything.

Yep.  Had actually a really bad case of that 3-years ago.  Damaged nerve in the middle ear.  How it got that way is a mystery...  it started with dizziness at night when turning over in bed.  That lasted about a month and then... BAM!  I was walking down the hall at work and suddenly involuntarily veered right... into the wall and went down... and could not get up!  To my amazement the front desk person, Gabriele, heard me go down and called some kind of code.  I couldn't even get up off the floor... just had to follow that spin to the right!  Staff and nurses surrounding me finally got me into a wheelchair and my friend Becky drove me to the hospital ER.  Of course such dizziness brings on vomiting... sorry, Bex.  They heavily sedated me and David picked me up to go home.  I seriously thought I was going to die in my bed the next couple of days.  Couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't walk, had to crawl on all fours to the bathroom.  Vomited... well... dry heaved for a few days.  David took good care of me trying to feed me soup.  It took a few weeks but was finally well enough to work.  I don't mess around when I get something... I do it with gusto and a blaze!

Eugh.  Vertigo is not fun.  Crossing fingers it does not get that bad again.  I can at least cope with what's happening now.

I still have that feeling of losing myself.  You know?  So much has changed in the last year.  I'm coming up on a 61st birthday on July 20th.  Last year on July 21st I was given the news that I had breast cancer.  Turning 60 equalled cancer for me.  This past year has been a blur at best.  I've felt like a pinball- ping-ping-ping.... go here, go there, do this, do that.  My brightness has dimmed.  I feel... well... after chemo and radiation last Friday I was trying to put some CD's away, and for the life of me I could not alphabetize.  Couldn't do it.  Sometimes you just have to let go and go with stupid.  I'm just hoping I get some brains back at some point.  I did mention to David if I got much more stupid it's possible I might be more fun.

I was reading one of my pathology reports I needed to gather last week and saw something in it... of one of the two cancers I have the path report said "apocrine."  Had to look that up.

"Apocrine carcinoma is a very rare form of breast malignancy with an incidence of less than 1% of female invasive breast carcinoma."

Wow.  Leave it to me.

On the bright side I get to look at this everyday:

This doesn't suck.  It's a hummingbird soap opera at our house!  All the fussing and fighting!!!  Schneikies!  I've also identified at least 3 different dragonflies that frequent the yard.  I'll save that for the next post.

Radiation Therapy, Inner Voice, Hair & Toes

The Good / Bad Thing...

Second radiation treatment done!

This is the picture of the radiation machine:

It moves in a circle around you to do a CT (low level) scan every single time to line up with the original scan so you are in exact placement every single time.  I'm on the table maybe 10 minutes total.  It goes around, then based on the original scan they superimpose pictures and then correct alignment so it's perfect and then I'm irradiated... a few seconds.

Back in the old days they would focus a beam on you and it would go straight through your body.  Of course it wreaked havoc with other organs, bones, etc.   These days it's much more refined and they have the ability to arc the beam so it can curve.  This is a good thing, the other end of the beam just goes into the floor.  For real.  He did warn me that because my tumor was against my chest wall they will make every effort possible to not hit my lung... but it might.  That would be bad.

I nailed the doctor down today, I get 5 1/2 weeks of daily radiation for the whole breast, and then a week and half of booster treatments to the tumor/surgical site.  This is standard for tumor "margins" that were as close as mine.

I saw one of my chemo buddies today there.  It was nice to chat with her.  She is Stage 1 breast cancer.  I'm sure I'll be seeing her for awhile.

I was talking to David about hindsight and if I had known how things were going to play out I would have done some things differently in regard to my care.  BUT... I had a great surgeon who right from the beginning didn't think I had cancer... was surprised my biopsy came back positive... did my surgery and was surprised how invasive the cancer was... and all the lymph nodes were affected and hard little rocks.  She said I would have to come back for surgery but right then had to get me systemically treated.  I wanted the surgery to happen right away!  I wanted both breasts gone!  Right now!!!  No.  Chemo first.  You know the rest.  Ca-rap.

I'm well endowed, okay?  Yes, I am.  Without getting too freaking personal I will say that I'll end up with my right breast shrunken and rubberized.  I will never match again.  In my youth I had awesome titties.  Sorry for that crassness (kind of)... but that was long ago and far away.  My breasts now... well, lets just say they behave much differently.

David:  Small price to pay.
Me:  That's my optimistic man.
My inner voice:  Oh... fuck that shit!!!

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Still have headaches post stopping the Anastrozole, but they are much better.  So grateful for that!

Took this pic right now, my hair is growing in... look at the silver...  Good thing!

Grossness ahead:  This is your warning!!

Need to see podiatrist.  Toenails are lifting up, separating from the nail bed, and curving insanely!  This is a direct side effect of the chemo I was on.  This is why I said I'll probably be losing some toenails. Horridly dry in spite of constantly being moisturized.  First two are from right foot, second two from left foot.  This, yes, you guessed it... it's a bad thing...

Misery.  My feet used to be cute.  And as my friend Abigail once said:  remarkably unmarred.

<sigh>

In A Mood

Subtitled:  Whatever

Seriously, not the best mood.

I'm complaining, so if you don't want to hear I understand.  Stop now.

My life this week, including last weekend has been about tears, pain, and feeling hopeless.

I'm fighting the system all the time it seems.  It should be easier, though in fairness, I understand why it's not.  I just don't feel up to snuff with my brain currently and that makes it all the harder.  I have a new appreciation for folks that are even less functional than I am currently who are traveling... (see?) I meant: trying to navigate several government systems.  Really frustrating.

Never in my life have I had to be dependent on someone else.  I was always so fiercely independent.  It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow, I'm here to tell ya.  What is that anyway?  Where does that come from?  Some sick family thing, I'm sure.  I'm doing the best I can but sometimes...  and I'm with probably the kindest man you could know.  I know I really "try" him at times.  Sorry, dude.

"Oh well, whatever, never mind."

I start radiation tomorrow, Monday.  I'm going, I can't remember, seven or eight weeks.  I get a special 2 week intensive focus on my tumor/surgical site.  I don't see the doc until Wednesday, I think, will ask him then... why...  I know they took more x-rays, CT scans, which leaves me a little freaked out.  Trying not to think of that.  And... whatever... right?  If they found a little something more, so what.  The radiation should get it.

I'm apparently at an increased for Lymphedema.  Fuck that.  I mean... whatever...

Okay, okay, I'll take care... don't draw blood from my surgical arm, don't get scratched by kitty on that arm, don't get scratched by roses on that arm (wicked bad).  Check, check, and check.

Remember this:

Right... let go... let go... let go...

The good news is my brain scan was CLEAR!!!   Yay!!!

The not so good news is I'm really struggling with near fainting/losing balance all the time, she thinks it might be blood pressure issues and we're playing with meds.  That added to fatigue.  Also headaches, stopping the Anastrozole for two weeks to see if that is the cause... like all headaches it colors my behavior.  I'm talking BAD headaches that made me hit my head so something else would hurt.  My increased pain from RA also colors my behavior.  Cancer colors... yep.

Feel like I'm losing who I am this week.