<sigh> Alright.
Chemo yesterday, saw doc, and have good news. GOOD NEWS!
Disclaimer: I realize medical reports always sound worse than they really are, and I know this every time I see one.
That said, yes, the Echo was abnormal, there is enlargement in the left ventricle and atrium of my heart. The key feature and most important thing is that the heart is squeezing sufficiently. Herceptin affects the heart muscle, so I'm fairly good! The enlargement is from 28 years of six, or so, hypertensive crisis, starting with pre-eclampsia with my first baby. And though the previous Echo reports were normal the thing that happened was yet another hypertensive crisis induced by the doc. Quick recap: fainting/dizzy spells she thought were caused by sudden drop in blood pressure so I was put on reduced BP meds. Uh oh. The mistake there was reducing meds that were keeping my BP normal. So this was probably what tipped the scale to further enlargement and an "abnormal" scan.
Had a PET scan on Monday that showed the above, changes in the heart, stuff going on in the breast (post radiation). No lesions or signs of metastasis! YAY!!!
I said YAY!!!!!!!!
That which remains the same are the cognitive issues (almost cooking the chicken in the refrigerator [and other like incidents], still struggling with finding words, and extreme forgetfulness [like from one sentence to the next]), and I know folks tell me they experience the same. Here's the deal though... I didn't. I never had these issues prior to chemo so it's been a huge freaking difference for me. It still is surprising to me and it shocks me and I cry because I've lost my brains. I grieve for my brains. <deep breath> Still have the neuropathy, RA, etc, etc... blah, blah, blah...
The point here is... I'm relatively okay and can deal with the parts that are still problematic.
Every cancer site you go to, Susan Komen, American Cancer Society... all of them talk about the financial aspect of cancer treatment. One of those sites out there says the average owed amount post treatment is $11,000. Thankfully that won't be me (I hope). I don't want to spend a lot of time on this but just need to say a few things. This happens to everyone with cancer, and is most serious with single folks. So if you get that diagnosis you really need to read and check out all the cancer sites. They are full of information on finances. Like me, sometimes there isn't a lot you can do about it. We all struggle with money, it's the times. I had to stop work in mid-February (which scared the freaking shit out of me) and since then life has been hell in that regard. Imagine first of all, any money you owed to anyone, and I'm speaking of even the little things... the power company, the garbage disposal company, and the really big things like gi-normous medical bills from surgeries, biopsies, mammograms, doctor visits, copays, etc. that just have to lie, and accumulate interest, and go into collections... I diligently wrote everyone I owed and told them what was happening, but we're talking money here, they don't care.
Imagine relying on someone else to help essentially keep you alive. I'm taken very good care of and lack for nothing, but I am being taken care of. I have to ask for money when I need/want it. That's no little thing, you know? I haven't had to do that since I was 17. It's HARD! This is not easy on David either. He's a saint, I'm tellin' ya. We struggle and it weighs heavily on me. My sister sends a little relief that's so appreciated (I can get still needed things, but things I don't have to ask David to get). I'm sure that's a little hard on her too. Think about it, you can't just go get a coffee, or a burger, or any small item for that matter. Fortunately, I was for the most part a cash only gal, didn't do credit cards. This all puts a lot of humility in your step, and I still owe thousands. 'Nuff said.
Sadly, when you have cancer... you can get it again... as one of my friends knows all too well. Even the treatment you get for cancer can cause cancer. Just stating a fact. I'm not going to focus on this. We do what we can in the moment, right? It's just that little niggling fact that happily finds a little corner in your mind.
So, my nurse friend Jo offered another blog site to me where the guy talks about, and the book is titled "Radical Remission." I still have fatigue and tire easily but its time to seriously and slowly work on building some strength. I've pretty much lost it all. Time to start working to get healthier.
As he states in his blog the bullet points from the book are:
1. Radically changing your diet
2. Taking control of you health
3. Following your intuition
4. Utilizing herbs and supplements
5. Releasing suppressed emotions
6. Increasing positive emotions
7. Embracing social support
8. Deepening you spiritual connection
9. Strong reasons for living
Once I stopped the really nasty chemo in May I did start introducing some dietary supplements. Some of the things on the list have come about slowly and as a natural course. The key here, especially for me is to be more m-i-n-d-f-u-l. I also started meditating again. I think this is a great list.
I have been a recluse... maybe that's not the right descriptive word. It's been over a year now that I started dealing with this and for most of that time felt so mentally and physically awful that I didn't see many friends. I'm starting to now. I don't have much, but I have lots of tea! So let me know if you're up for a visit!
I've had to overhaul my life several times in the past. I've taken huge leaps of faith. Self examination is no stranger to me.
It's time once again to look. Really look. You can "rebirth" as many times as you want in this life. The addition for me is I now have a perspective on life that is different since the cancer experience. I'm still in it, but the worst should be over. I've come out as one tough bitch! Well... that's overstating. I'm a great emoter and utilize that skill often. So, maybe... soft hearted, able to endure torture?! How's that? Perhaps just shed the labels and call it experience. That's some wisdom right there, isn't it?
