Sometimes You Lose Sight of Who You Are.
(Can I have a reset button please?)Nearly every day I ask myself this question of who I am. I never used to, or at least not with such frequency. I feel like my body, the very ground that I walk on, is like quicksand. Ever changing, constant fluidity. Or, at a complete stand still. Savvy? I can time-warp like nobody's business! Semi-permanent limbo.
I've been holding my breath for 17 months. Still have challenges ahead, oh, and right now.
Today, after the events in France, I feel such a deep loss... and wonder where our humanity has gone as a species. I also wonder how small minded some people can be. Wake up folks! The people of this planet need to find it's way to love. I think the violence in France disrupted and shifted the universe a little... or a lot. I got caught in that spiral, emotional Cancerian woman that I am. I wept. Wept off an on all day. We are all dying at this very moment. We don't need any help, thank you. We are all living at this very moment. How do, not just myself, we, connect and realize the preciousness, the perishability of life? Pagans call it the Twins- Life and Death. We need to stop wrestling and move toward love.
"We want healing from illness, but it's through illness that we grow and are healed of our complacency." ~Peter Kingsley~
Complacency, now there's a word. I lived there. Then I got sick. I get swallowed up by my mind and my body. I actively try to do things every day that keep me from this depressing involuntary action. Some days I'm successful, some days not. I was not successful today. This illness is a heavy ball and chain. It got me out of complacency though. Yes, indeed. I'm still a little miffed the universe choose to do it in this manner, but what are ya gonna do? Now I look at same routine daily just to keep going. Weird, huh? That delicate balance of types of complacency.
David and I had a chat this afternoon that I won't go into, but it caused me go back to him later to tell him that in this past year I have never felt more unattractive, felt so bad physically, and it colors everything. It does. He's a pretty understanding guy. It speaks to fear, how can someone love me when I look and feel so awful... all... the... damn... time...! At the same time, I know thinking this way helps nothing, and is actually stupid, because if the roles were reversed, I would feel no differently about him.
Currently, what is happening medically is:
Cardiologist- will be doing a cardiac MRI and Echo, she needs to not just read a report but see the pictures of the walls of my heart. She wants me to take care of my anemia (that's doctor #2 that has said that).
Oncologist- my doc is in Portugal right now, but I'll see her Friday. A different doc in the office a couple of weeks ago did a massive amount of blood work (9 vials) to check on several different things. He thinks the shortness of breath and fatigue is Herceptin/lung related. I did read it can cause pulmonary (lung) toxicity, and of course fatigue. So maybe there's something there. We are currently lowering the dose and going back to weekly visits. I have now concluded the lower dose has not had an impact.
I can say this- the last 2 weeks after my chemo, that very night I started wheezing and the shortness of breath increased, like an asthma attack. That's what I thought it was the first week. I had to call my PCP for a rescue inhaler that I haven't needed in over a decade. This week, during Friday night, I wake up wheezing again. Same scenario. The inhalers help the wheezing, do nothing for the shortness of breath. Pant, pant...
I'd rather be dancing. Just saying.
