Another Year Gone By

Dear Diary, December 31st is here...

Cardiac stuff over. The bottom line is, though there are heart changes because of chemo, it's not enough to stop a life saving therapy. I have normal sinus rhythm, the walls of the heart look good. Some enlargement, murmur, and regurgitation, but as long as those other two things are good, I'm good to go. That's it. I'm way good with this. We do another echo end of February just to check on things. Started my chemo back up on Tuesday. 

Of course, I wonder... am I ever going to feel good again? I never do... somedays I function better then others, but never feel good. The neuropathy (I say 'the' instead of 'my' because I don't want ownership of this) has slightly kicked up a notch too. Where's that radical acceptance??? I am going to read Radical Remission and focus on getting better... stronger. The Cardiologist did say the shortness of breath was likely the overall toll of cancer and treatment, chemo fatigue... sedentary behavior because of the chemo, fatigue, pain, cancer... and... you get the circle here. 

So, the next few months will be about trying to get stronger... in spite of myself. A very slow process for sure and frustrating, but I will persevere!

I've been in a surreal subterranean lifestyle... it's like... huh, wha....??? 2014, 2015... where did they go? I can only focus on today and have a goal for the immediate future, without thinking too much into the future. So weird.

Here comes 2016, may it be kind and gentle to us all.




Ramona

Luggage

I mean... baggage... 

Yes, but...

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page today. Yesterday I was bummed and bemoaning that I was afraid I'd never feel good again. It's been so very, very long, you see. 18 months, and counting. Had some meltdowns lately, pain related, and frustrations with doctors and the gov'ment.

I ask the cosmic consciousness and God for a new way to look at things, to give me a new view. The seeds are being planted.

Radical Acceptance: "Acceptance means you can turn your resistant, ruminating thoughts into accepting thoughts like, "I'm in this situation. I don't approve of it. I don't think it's OK, but it is what it is and I can't change that it happened." -M Linehan

Radical acceptance means complete and total acceptance of something, accepting reality. It doesn't mean you have to like it, it just means to recognize it for what it is and accept it.

Practice, practice, practice! Yes, dang it, even at 61!

All my tests are done now, the new Echo, a Cardiac MRI. I'll find out where I am (the heart) on the 22nd. My chemo is being held, last dose was November 20th. I do feel a little better without it (breathing wise), but not by leaps and bounds. Still short of breath. Depending on the news the next big decision to make will be to continue with the chemo or not. I'll tackle that when I get to it and try not to future trip.

Meanwhile...

So much breast pain, and right armpit pain. Very tender. Sometimes can't sleep. It has slowly increased since stopping the chemo. What does that mean???? Hoping for happenstance. Yeah, that's it.

I'm actually just going to hope for good news. If it isn't, I can take it. If it is, ROCK ON!!!

I plan to have a great Christmas either way!