The Fear

I loathe rushing around, I really do.  Had the Echocardiogram today.  This afternoon I was sitting in my office and Abigail was talking to me and I suddenly realize what's happening... something is in my left hand frozen in mid air, my right hand is on my computer and I'm bouncing my leg fast and furiously; looking at her with wide eyes.  I stop.  Realization.  It's here, the anxiety is here again.   Abigail understood, "how could you not be?"  Shed some tears in secret at work.   Yes, secret, don't say it's okay to share it because if I did I would completely lose it.  I have really infectious tears, then others would cry, we'd all be crying and then our eyelids would get swollen and faces blotchy.  I would not recover.

Instead I went out to dinner with Abigail, Indian food one of my favorites.  It was a pleasant respite.  And then I cried off and on all the way home.

Fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Great gobs of fear of chemo and all of it's possibilities, of ports, of my diagnosis, of my future for the next entire year.

Tonight, just tonight... I'm afraid and feeling vulnerable.  As I write this tears are squirting out of my eyes.  I'm tired.  I don't want to do this.

"I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain."

Oh, Frank, if only I were a Bene-Gesserit.