Really wanting some homeostasis...

Too graphic?  Toughen up. 

Hands are swollen and I have rashes on both, when they get warm, naturally or by putting them in water they burn.  Same with the feet, sans the rash.  The feet are dry and need constant attention.  Hurt.  Nails are... turning brown and a little crumbly.

The big 3 dose chemo brought back diarrhea, with a vengeance.  I'll just say if you can imagine a cartoon where the character is turning themselves completely inside out through their butt... well, I think you've got the picture (Robert Crumb could do that cartoon easily).   That's now I feel... every time.  Doc has me on Rx Loperamide to slow the entire system down, and if I miss a dose or wait too long... again, you got it.  Miserable, and makes you not want to eat to stimulate the system.  Then, if that wasn't enough... there's the (because your head's so f**ked up)... wait... did I take those pills???  I can't remember...  Geez.

Major bloody noses at least twice a day.  Clots and blood.  It's the drying effect of chemo.  I use moisturizing saline nasal spray and Aquaphor, both help but... clots and blood.  If anyone has any helpful hints please share.

Oh the fatigue of it all!

I've just spent the equivalent of 3 days on my back and sides.  Sleeping my life away with no choice in the matter.  Well, I guess I have a choice but not a good one yet.  I've not been functioning well at all.

There are times I can both see and hear my pulse.  Weird, huh?

This late afternoon I am feeling a little spark, long enough to sit up and write this entry.  Miserable as it is... it is what it is and tomorrow will be better, and the next day... which is another chemo day.

I'm trying to quit irony but it just won't let me.

A Teensy Tiny Update

Whatever I said to my Oncologist on Friday caused her to order a CT brain scan to search for metastasis.  No, I didn't ask what those magic words I said were... I'll just go with it.  My brain is still the undiscovered territory so I think we'll both feel better knowing... either way.

I lost 8-plus pounds in 2 weeks now.  We all know I'm... well... fluffy, but losing this much so quickly is not a good thing.  She is concerned.  I'm being put on Boost a couple of times a day so I get some actual nutrition, then I get to see a gastroenterologist too.  Lucky me.  Needless to say I'm having trouble eating as everything tastes horrible, compounded by a sore mouth.  I've rediscovered pineapple juice that seems to go down fairly well and is good stuff... though I must take it pretty dilute.  Chocolate milk, always good.  Then there is the thought that something might taste good and I make it only to have a few bites and put it down.  Blech.

Finally, it's confirmed, the beginnings of neuropathy are here, hands and feet.  Yep.  Hypersensitivity, numbness and tingling.

Feeling my mortality this weekend, tearful.  Today, Sunday, unable to get vertical until about noon.  I'm in permanent slo-mo lately.  But though I'm slow... even though all these things are going on, I still find myself laughing, okay, not a lot, but I am!  That's a good thing.

I think I'd like to Henna myself.

Nearly Unbearable Facets of Chemical Therapy

Please note I did say "nearly."

This past weekend announced the 3 month chemo mark.  My doc did a little recap of where we were and what we were doing and why, David was there.  We are treating me for 2 different breast cancers that went into all the lymph nodes and surrounding tissue.  We believe because of this that it has moved elsewhere in my body.  Technically, I'm "Stage III, Plus."  It's complicated.

The last chemo has been the roughest one to date in terms of side effects.  I'm currently on Taxol, Herceptin, and Perjeta  <- this was an add-on.  And apparently there was some surprise my insurance company approved it because it is not FDA approved.  But, given they see all of my medical records they must have decided it was a good plan.  My doc said it diminished reoccurrence of cancer by two thirds.  Okay.

My side-effects (with disclaimer that it's different for everyone):

Fatigue.  Well, this just seems to come with the territory of chemo.  Cancer is fatiguing, chemo is fatiguing, anemia is fatiguing... it's all extremely stressful on the body.  I tried to work on Monday and ended up dragging my ass home early.  Tuesday I slept about as much as I was awake.  I was just completely incapable of staying vertical.  I have not been able to eat much this week and more importantly have not been able to drink much.  Taste has gone way off.  Yes, fluid intake is monumentally important.  I.  Just.  Couldn't. Do. It.  This is where I mention that one of the reasons fluids are so so important is that you don't want that caustic poison sitting in your kidneys or bladder... or anywhere else for that matter.  Drink LOTS and move it on out!  The first 48 hours are most important in moving that stuff out of there.  So by Sunday & Monday I was hurting pretty bad and ended up with a nice infection and antibiotics.  Reminder:  Chemotherapy is about as close as you can get to being poisoned to death and not actually die.

I have friends that will roll their eyes and groan when I say the one fluid I get down with no problem is... wait for it... chocolate milk.  Nesquik.  I know, I know... and to you I say... whatever.  In this dire state of being... I have few options.

No vomiting but brushing teeth brings on retching.  Speaking of teeth and gums... yeah, they hurt.  Mouth is sore, throat, tongue.  Another reason eating/drinking is not fun... not to mention swallowing is increasingly difficult.  This should improve (I hope).

New med causes the dreaded diarrhea... we're talking water here.  Okay?  Water.

Shortness of breath (partly because of fatigue), coughing up some "goo-bobs."  That happened about a week after my other chemo as well.  Chest is a little tight.  Once I hack it up though lungs seem clearer... gross enough for ya?

Here's the real kicker, and I really hate this one- stabbing pain in my muscles.  Left outer thigh- like a butcher knife, and right upper arm- like a paring knife.  Seems to be connected to certain movements, like getting in my car for example.  I haven't quite got them all figured out yet.

I wish I could say something brilliant or poignant.  I have asked myself this week why I'm doing this again.  I'm reminded I said I'd go through this once.   I'm hoping I can stick with that.  It's been a rough week.  Really rough.

I'm more than aware this post doesn't have much spark.  I'm currently out of spark, but there is the hope I'll get some back soon. 

Peace.