Tired

That's all... just tired

I had a good visit with the doctor today, the last two visits I was not so happy with so this made me feel better.  We talked about the neuropathy in the hands and feet, it did get a small measure of better a couple of weeks after the Taxol was discontinued but now is maintaining a "status quo."  That's okay, I'll take it!

She acknowledged what I rough time I'm having.  There's sometimes a fine line between bolstering you up that can sometimes come off as dismissive, or minimizing.  To hear her say that made me feel better about feeling heard... because I was beginning to think the other.

I have 3 more infusions of Abraxane (picture below, an unsettling milky color), and around 10 more months of Herceptin.  I'll also be taking a pill for 5 years to reduce estrogen production since I seem to have a crazy "over-production" and one of the two cancers is sensitive to this hormone.

I'm going to have a sit down with the radiation folks in the next few weeks so we can talk about that.  At the time of my tumor surgery every single place that the doc took a biopsy sample from was cancerous.  So she said radiation is vitally important since chemo does not disperse well in breast tissue.

Does this make you wonder why I've been going through all this pain and agony with chemo?  Hard to ignore, and the answer is simple, all the lymph nodes were involved, it's a fast growing metastatic cancer so we're treating the WHOLE body.  Just need that radiation to pinpoint the breast and chest wall where the tumor was.  Not looking forward to that.

Right at this moment I'm sleepy from the Benadryl.  Tired from everything, yes still symptoms from the last 3 or so posts.  Packing for a move, glad I have a month to do that in.  It's: pack, rest, pack, rest, drink & eat, pack, rest, repeat.

How I feel a lot of the time:

Peace Out!

The Details of Life...

and trying to take care of them....

I saw my regular PCP last Thursday.  I needed to have a little procedure done (I don't mean to be mysterious, just have a little lymphedema in my right arm, have lost a lot of weight and an issue came up) and also... I think I just needed to check in with her (together for 34 years, starting when she was resident).  I needed someone who knew me and my body well... needed a reality check.  I've been so incredibly miserable, hobbling around with feet I can barely walk on, the rash on my upper arms... my bloody nose (minimally twice a day), cry myself to sleep every night and every morning because I don't want to have another day, don't want to get up on my feet, don't want to spend the hours taking care of the diarrhea.  Don't want to be in pain.  Way too tired.  So, she took a scraping of the rash but agreed it was probably chemo induced.  We had a discussion about the neuropathy and the possibility of Gabapentin to help, and renewed my resolve in trying to deal with this... and some other things.

I've lost about 20 lbs now in a month.

Friday's doctor visit with the oncologist included a discussion in detail about the neuropathy, about how it's now creeping up to my knees, about how now one on my fingers was involved to the point that I almost can't use it.  I'm having to figure out different ways of buttoning, typing, and just doing things differently because of it.  We talked about Gabapentin, but rather than do that, even for a short period, she decided she needed to take me off the Taxol.  We'll review the neuropathy and any changes on a weekly basis.  They have to get insurance approval but it looks like the plan is to try to get me on a drug called Abraxane.  Yet another expensive drug because there's no generic for it.  By the way, the cost of my chemo day when I get all three drugs is $24 thousand, plus, dollars.  Insane.

She had made a referral for a CT Scan of my brain and when I told her no one had contacted me about that she said we talked about that last week... didn't I remember?  No.  We decided not to do that because... didn't I remember?  No.  On my drive home I started crying because for the life of me I don't remember the original discussion... and now I can't even remember the rerun of the discussion.  I can't remember what she said about it this time!

I've had many instances in the past couple of weeks of losing my balance, didn't fall, but came mighty close.  Yesterday had a down right dizzy episode, good thing I was sitting down or I really would have fallen.

My fella has been laid up with a total hip replacement and I miss him so much, tearing up just thinking about that.  We talk and text every day but it's not the same thing as having him present, even if it is just on the weekends.  He's healing well.  I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm losing my brains.  I know plainly said, that I have metastatic cancer, I'm taking chemo, I'm in pain, shit is happening to my body!  I'm distracted and can't remember, waaaay beyond anything that was normal prior to the chemo.  My spirit wanes every day.

It's very difficult to  keep the details of my life together anymore (feel like I'm drowning) and getting harder every single day. I'm so thankful for David, my sister, and friends.

Up and at 'em! (not)

Saturday Morning

Up early, the wicked steroids!  I got my taxes done though!

Where we are this week:  I seem to be hypersensitive to Taxol and the neuropathy continues to increase, though by small increments.  Doc says if it worsens much more we may have to lower or even skip a dose and she really does not want to do that.  I waddle around because it hurts so much to walk on the ultra sensitive feet!  If you could imagine walking around in wire mesh socks you have an idea.  No, barefoot is no easier.  I do try to wear pretty fine weave socks but that's the best I can do and still the feets... they hurt!  Hands hurt, again, ultra sensitive, numbness and tingling.

The Perjeta is the culprit that has caused the rash on my hands and new rash that appeared yesterday on both upper arms.

My voice comes and goes... chemo inflammation...

I was not able to work the entire week last week, as most have guessed.  Slept for 3 days and tried to recuperate and eat on Thursday.  Friday is chemo day of course.  I can be this sick and still feel guilty about missing work.  I understand all the dynamics at work here, still... I know it makes it harder for my coworkers.

Brief moment for auspicious news, when driving north near Elma yesterday I saw a Bald Eagle sitting in a tree viewing the field.  I love those moments, and have had a least one really memorable moment with an eagle... but I digress... I didn't stop to take a picture but it looked just like this one:

The issue of food- nothing tastes right.  Nothing.  So anything I put in the system is only fuel (this is where I add that I wish could have viewed food this way my entire life, but NO!  Too decadent!).  Love food!  For the most part sweets don't work for me at all, or on a very limited basis, it really ebbs and flows.  Soups are good, especially Miso.  Protein as in steak, beans, chicken texture is kinda weird right now, tofu is good.  Vegetables- good to a point.  Fruit- love melons, all of them!  They go down the best.  Sometimes, nothing works at all.  Liquids I have the hardest time with, to the point of dire consequences.  There is no magical fluid.  Had a Vitamin Water drink last week that went down pretty well.  May try a few more and see how it goes.  Continue with my Boost.

Sunday Morning

I started this in the wee hours of Saturday morning, it's now Sunday morning and I laid in bed the longest time just not wanting to get up.  Everything hurts.  Just don't want to move.  Os heard me stirring and came in to greet me, purr for me, nudge me.  So I'm up and the race is on to get the diarrhea under control before it starts, take meds, take tylenol so my feet don't hurt quite as bad, lotion them up.  Try to get some coffee down so I don't get that withdrawal headache.  Take care of the rashes and try to get my head in a place of acceptance.  Sunday starts the prep for the next week, and for me it's in ultra-slo-mo.

This is not forever.  It's not forever.  And the tears start.  I'm tired.