In A Mood

Subtitled:  Whatever

Seriously, not the best mood.

I'm complaining, so if you don't want to hear I understand.  Stop now.

My life this week, including last weekend has been about tears, pain, and feeling hopeless.

I'm fighting the system all the time it seems.  It should be easier, though in fairness, I understand why it's not.  I just don't feel up to snuff with my brain currently and that makes it all the harder.  I have a new appreciation for folks that are even less functional than I am currently who are traveling... (see?) I meant: trying to navigate several government systems.  Really frustrating.

Never in my life have I had to be dependent on someone else.  I was always so fiercely independent.  It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow, I'm here to tell ya.  What is that anyway?  Where does that come from?  Some sick family thing, I'm sure.  I'm doing the best I can but sometimes...  and I'm with probably the kindest man you could know.  I know I really "try" him at times.  Sorry, dude.

"Oh well, whatever, never mind."

I start radiation tomorrow, Monday.  I'm going, I can't remember, seven or eight weeks.  I get a special 2 week intensive focus on my tumor/surgical site.  I don't see the doc until Wednesday, I think, will ask him then... why...  I know they took more x-rays, CT scans, which leaves me a little freaked out.  Trying not to think of that.  And... whatever... right?  If they found a little something more, so what.  The radiation should get it.

I'm apparently at an increased for Lymphedema.  Fuck that.  I mean... whatever...

Okay, okay, I'll take care... don't draw blood from my surgical arm, don't get scratched by kitty on that arm, don't get scratched by roses on that arm (wicked bad).  Check, check, and check.

Remember this:

Right... let go... let go... let go...

The good news is my brain scan was CLEAR!!!   Yay!!!

The not so good news is I'm really struggling with near fainting/losing balance all the time, she thinks it might be blood pressure issues and we're playing with meds.  That added to fatigue.  Also headaches, stopping the Anastrozole for two weeks to see if that is the cause... like all headaches it colors my behavior.  I'm talking BAD headaches that made me hit my head so something else would hurt.  My increased pain from RA also colors my behavior.  Cancer colors... yep.

Feel like I'm losing who I am this week.