Quotes & Stuff...

"Yesterday it was my birthday, I hung one more year on the line." -Simon-

Today is July 21st.  One year ago today I was told I had breast cancer.  This date is as burned into my brain as my birthday, or death of my daughter, or birth of my son.

Needless to say it's been an extremely difficult past year.  At least I am here to be able to say those words.  At least I am here with a perspective you can only gain from that experience.  At least I am here having learned a thing or two.  I am grateful for so many things.

I've had a lot of practice in my life at various times to stop and examine my life, my goals, etc.  I have made bold changes, leapt into life without a net and a whole lot of faith.  The difference in the past year is that this time my body was forcing me to do that.  As a reluctant participant I had to give up a lot.  That's was hard and it was painful... at least that's what I thought at the time.  Hindsight, it's crazy, you know?  Doesn't seem hard now.  Acceptance has become second hand.  You do what you need to do.  That's all.

All that said- radiation is done for the day and I have 4 more, ending next Monday, the 27th.  I'm told my skin looks amazingly good... that, in spite of an open wound and peeling skin.  Yeah, what's that???  Oh!  It's my skin coming off!!!  It hurts most fiercely and I want to scream every time I have to care for it.  Instead I whimper and cry.  The site under my right arm where they removed lymph nodes feels like there's a rope under my skin, that site is irritated and red, but not "open."  Totally annoying.  I succumbed to accept pain meds... mostly for the evening wound cleaning and dressing.  I hate opiates as a general rule but will do this happily if it can help that process.

It will take awhile, but all will heal eventually.  Looking forward to that.

I just want to say to my FB friends, other friends and friends of friends, family... thank you.  Your show of support has been appreciated and heartfelt.  It doesn't take a lot to make someone feel better, and you have all done that with kind words.  Never underestimate the power of words.

I had lunch with friends Becky, CC, and Danielle last Friday.  It was so nice to see them and interact with them.  I haven't had the energy to be very social but it's happening gradually.

Speaking of words... my official favorite quote of the year is from Kristyne M. who is about to get married in August.  The quote is:

"I'm going to marry him so hard!"  It has been so sweet watching this love unfold.

e-jə-ˈkā-shən

I'm about to wrap up my fifth week of radiation tomorrow.  I had a CT scan today to determine what type of "booster" radiation they will do starting next Friday (I think... the dates are fuzzy...)  They drew lots of pictures on my chest again today and talked about photon -vs- electron treatment.  This is the picture I had in my head:

After the scan goes to the doc he decides based on my diagnosis and other info how they want to do this booster treatment.  Apparently through all the years of breast cancer data the recurrence of cancer is near, or at the previous tumor site.  I didn't research this, this is what I was told.  This is why they do the booster to the specific tumor site.  Mine was right up against my chest wall so who knows.  I did look the types of radiation up, this is what I found:

"A high-energy photon beam is by far the most common form of radiation used for cancer treatment.  It is the same type of radiation that is used in x-ray machines, and comes from a radioactive source such as cobalt, cesium, or a machine called a linear accelerator.  Photon beams of energy affect the cells along their path as they go through the body to get to the cancer, pass through the cancer, and then exit the body."

"Electron beams or particle beams are also produced by a linear accelerator.  Electrons are negatively charged parts of atoms.  They have a low energy level and don't penetrate deeply into the body, so this type of radiation is used most often to treat the skin, as well as tumors and lymph nodes that are close to the surface of the body."

I'm not sure what criteria cements the decision, but for me it's just a crap-shoot.  And I keep hearing Stings lyrics in my head- "deadly for twelve thousand years is carbon-14, we work the black seam together."

When I saw the doc on Tuesday everything looked beautiful (I'm talking skin, the skin was good).  My whole breast HURTS, and sometimes with stabbing pain.  On Wednesday I was in pain all day and night, didn't sleep much... and there is a spot that is not looking good.  Of course I will watch this spot and my armpit, also bad, like a hawk!  I did get some cotton sleeveless tees to wear under the bra.  Yes.  Under.  They tell you to do this.  Stay well lotion'd with Aquaphor or Aloe, and keep things dry at the same time.  I'm sure there's a balance there but it's hard to find and maintain.  I do know my skin looks awesome compared to my radiation mates who have open, weeping skin.

Today, Thursday, is a better day.

Friday is radiation and chemo day.  I plan to spend the weekend being stupid.  All I can do is go with it.

Okay... I'm THERE!

Costochrondritis

Little Update Here...

Yesterday and today my chest has been a little tight with an occasional cough.  Yesterday it wasn't a biggie but today things were worse and coughing a little more... I used my inhaler.  It made no difference... and I'm a little short of breath, more so than from the usual fatigue-shortness-of-breath.  When I breathe I get pain from my back rib through to the front ribs.  Hurts.  I saw the doc after my radiation who did an exam and said "Costochrondritis."

"We" of the cancer subculture (my people), usually believe whenever anything new or unusual happens that the cancer has spread.  This was my first thought, of course (snark aside).  But, doc said no... he talked about micro fractures in the ribs that usually happen AFTER radiation because radiation affects the bones.  In this case he thought it was this Costochrondritis which is "a kind of arthritis that causes inflammation of the space between the breast where the ribs and breastbone connect."  They will watch closely since radiation can also touch the lungs but he was pretty sure it was this, and it will eventually resolve.  In the meantime I'm supposed to use a cough suppressant.

My skin is getting redder all the time.  I'm totally good with that as long it doesn't open up.  This is a picture of the line they draw on me every day.  Not sure what that's about but seems necessary, I should ask sometime.  You can also see the bulge of my port and port scar.

I don't think I'm going to do too much today... you know... the rib thing, the fatigue, not to mention the heat and all the other assorted issues.

I'm power-watching Grey's Anatomy which is why the pic is up there.  Yes, seen it before, but thought I'd like to start from the beginning... relive it.  It's fast paced so keeps my head busy since my eyes aren't working well enough to read right now.  Oh, yeah... that's because of all the steroids I was on with my chemo...

...it will end some day... right?