Finding Words

Happy February!

This morning brings a request for a medical update, that's 2 in 2 days, so here goes-

The Oncology office called a couple of weeks ago to schedule my next appointment and she said, "two more visits and you're done!" I said that's close, but thought there were more. 

Last year I had 6 weeks off (insurance fiasco after starting Herceptin) and then had another 6 weeks off because of the cardiac workup. Somehow, I don't know... call me crazy, but I think someone is counting wrong.

I see the Doc on the 9th for chemo so we'll have a discussion then. I think my biggest point will be: If my cancer comes back in the future I don't want it to be because you didn't get all the doses in me. AND, I don't want that lingering doubt hanging over my head, especially when one of two cancers is crazy aggressive. 




I say this even in the face of questioning the efficacy of chemo altogether. It's the path I chose though, so dammit, give it to me!

As any good woman can, I can spread the guilt thick when I need to... I just don't usually have to, or like to. My doctor is a bit of a space case too, but, I wouldn't trade her for anything. Her forgetfulness is forgiven because she is good, makes you feel like you're her only patient. She gives me all the time I need to talk (and I need this as my organic hard-drive/program has had such a difficult time for the past year, brain-to-mouth), she's rarely rushed, she answers all questions, and takes her time in doing so. She's thorough and to the point, no frills. Just like I like 'em.

I'd say over the past couple of months, maybe more, I've noticed my ability to find words ebbs and flows. This weekend was a little difficult, so difficult, that when talking to David twice, I just gave up and dropped it. My brain searched for the word I wanted... nope... then some elusive secondary word to put in there, but failed, "I give up, I can't put it together." This is a first because always in the past there was a wait, and I would eventually find the words. Not this weekend. One of the times I ended up forgetting anyway. Other days are better. Always existing though is the short-term memory loss. The hope is, that someday, it will all get better. Chemo brain can be either short or long term, we shall see. It's hard when you're talking to someone who doesn't know, and inside you're thinking... please let my brain work, please let me be able to find my words! When I can't I just say sorry... chemo side effect!

My breast sill hurts continuously, with really special moments of sharp stabs. The arm pit hurts too, really sensitive. I have to do a mammogram on my left breast soon, it's overdue. They wanted to do both but I declined. "You can have the left one, but no one is touching the right one." The slightest pressure, like leaning up against a table, or any pressure, OMG, trust me, you don't want to know... Seriously, does she think I'm going to put it between the vise? Oh, na, uh...

Doc finally started me on Gabapentin for the Neuropathy that has not resolved. I'm still in sandals in the middle of winter. I absolutely cannot wear shoes, too painful! This medication has to be eased into though, 5 days night dose only, then a dose added in the morning, we will discuss how it's going on the next visit. I can say that the numbness and tingling in my feet has changed, it's kind of like when your feet wake up after circulation has been cut off, so right now they're sensitive, but boy, I can sure feel the difference. The 4th and 5th fingers on both hands are still numbey and tingley (<- made up words) but I can type a little bit easier.  : )  We'll see what she says about this. I should read up on this medication more.

Speaking of which, I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the treatment line I felt kind of like Rocky... "cut me," Meaning, just do what needs to be done. I mean, I pay a little attention to treatment, and I'm not sure if it was an 'energy' factor, I don't know, I just know I've only half assed payed attention to some things. 

 

Good? Bad? Who knows. 

I'm probably only going to do one more blog after this. Wrap up the treatment blog, you know? Not sure, we'll see.

Peace.

                                 It's all illusory anyway, right?