The Details of Life...

and trying to take care of them....

I saw my regular PCP last Thursday.  I needed to have a little procedure done (I don't mean to be mysterious, just have a little lymphedema in my right arm, have lost a lot of weight and an issue came up) and also... I think I just needed to check in with her (together for 34 years, starting when she was resident).  I needed someone who knew me and my body well... needed a reality check.  I've been so incredibly miserable, hobbling around with feet I can barely walk on, the rash on my upper arms... my bloody nose (minimally twice a day), cry myself to sleep every night and every morning because I don't want to have another day, don't want to get up on my feet, don't want to spend the hours taking care of the diarrhea.  Don't want to be in pain.  Way too tired.  So, she took a scraping of the rash but agreed it was probably chemo induced.  We had a discussion about the neuropathy and the possibility of Gabapentin to help, and renewed my resolve in trying to deal with this... and some other things.

I've lost about 20 lbs now in a month.

Friday's doctor visit with the oncologist included a discussion in detail about the neuropathy, about how it's now creeping up to my knees, about how now one on my fingers was involved to the point that I almost can't use it.  I'm having to figure out different ways of buttoning, typing, and just doing things differently because of it.  We talked about Gabapentin, but rather than do that, even for a short period, she decided she needed to take me off the Taxol.  We'll review the neuropathy and any changes on a weekly basis.  They have to get insurance approval but it looks like the plan is to try to get me on a drug called Abraxane.  Yet another expensive drug because there's no generic for it.  By the way, the cost of my chemo day when I get all three drugs is $24 thousand, plus, dollars.  Insane.

She had made a referral for a CT Scan of my brain and when I told her no one had contacted me about that she said we talked about that last week... didn't I remember?  No.  We decided not to do that because... didn't I remember?  No.  On my drive home I started crying because for the life of me I don't remember the original discussion... and now I can't even remember the rerun of the discussion.  I can't remember what she said about it this time!

I've had many instances in the past couple of weeks of losing my balance, didn't fall, but came mighty close.  Yesterday had a down right dizzy episode, good thing I was sitting down or I really would have fallen.

My fella has been laid up with a total hip replacement and I miss him so much, tearing up just thinking about that.  We talk and text every day but it's not the same thing as having him present, even if it is just on the weekends.  He's healing well.  I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm losing my brains.  I know plainly said, that I have metastatic cancer, I'm taking chemo, I'm in pain, shit is happening to my body!  I'm distracted and can't remember, waaaay beyond anything that was normal prior to the chemo.  My spirit wanes every day.

It's very difficult to  keep the details of my life together anymore (feel like I'm drowning) and getting harder every single day. I'm so thankful for David, my sister, and friends.